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How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
 
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What is the perfect Father's Day gift? Taking your Mom away on a vacation with you.
 
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God made each and everyone of us until he got to China.
Copy paste...copy paste...
 
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Q: How do you know if a Chinese tried to rob your house?
A: You get home and your maths homework is done, your computer is upgraded, and two hours later He is still trying to back out of your driveway.
 
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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," He responded.
"Oh, killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell?
He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."
 
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
 
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Database Admins walked into a NoSQL bar. A little later, they walked out because they couldn’t find a table.
 
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My internet is so slow, it's just faster to drive to the Google office and ask them in person.
 
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Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'
 
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When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
 
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The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly."
On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?"
"Yes", the boy's mother answered.
"And how is your son now?" the psychiatrist asked.
"Who cares?" the mother replied.
 
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My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
 
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A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence. "My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."
 
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What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
 
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Why did the spider cross the road?
To get to his website!
 
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Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
 
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A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
 
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
 
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What do you call two fat people having a chat? -- A heavy discussion
 
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I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.
 
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